I am sorry that it has been so long since I have written. Life has been crazy. However, this post was worth waiting for. I am going to share my experience. Whether or not you believe what is to come or not is of no consequence. I am just sharing this story as experienced by myself and my family. I hope it touches you as much as it did us.
My husband's grandfather, Bob, has been very ill. He has prostate cancer, bone cancer, COPD, melanoma, CHF, etc. Two weeks ago, he fell while trying to get up from his chair. He bumped his shin into a bookcase and cut it. As a result, he pulled back and hit the back of his head on a bookshelf. It was later discovered that he had broken two of his vertebrae in his cervical spine. It was fortunate that it broke in such a way as to not have damaged his spinal cord and he had no paralysis. He was taken to the hospital but returned home a few days later and was readmitted when his O2 sat was found to be in the 60s. After being diagnosed with bilateral pneumonia, he was admitted to ICU and later moved to a step down room. He is currently still admitted to the hospital and remains in the same room. However, his journey far exceeded the bounds of that small hospital room. His journey lead him to a place of peace and allowed us to discover a whole new world.
Our family had been called in to say their goodbyes. Since we had not seen each other in awhile, we decided to all meet up for dinner before heading to the hospital. We were stuffed to the brim, as we journeyed to see Bob. When we got to his room, it was clear that his condition had changed. He was laying in the hospital trying to focus on breathing. His oxygen was now on 15 L/min and he looked weak. The pain was intense and he was asking for his pain medication. We talked and held his hands. We prayed. Then, as we were all talking, Bob's face changed. It was not longer dark and weak. It was light, and his gaze was fixed where the wall met the ceiling. He was no longer talking to us. My mother-in-law drew quickly to his side. She has done this more than anyone should have to at such a young age. She has become a professional at taking care of the aging and dying. She has watched people as they near the end - mother, father, aunt, and uncle. But, the same questions she had asked so many times before was going to open a fountain of blessing that was more powerful than she knew.
"Bob, do you see something?"
"Yes," come the words muffled by the non-rebreather mask.
"Is it heaven?," she asks. "Yes," he responds again. A wide grin fixes on his dry, cracked lips.
"What does it look like?," she questions.
He says, "I see Peter and John...Abraham, Issac...Elizabeth...and Mary." He rests for a minute to catch his breath. "I see the fallen soldiers," he says, "and my grandfather."
"Do you see your grandmother?" my mother in law asks.
"No. I never knew her." "I see my brothers and sisters."
"Are you in any pain?" - it has been over 6 hours since his last dose of his pain medication. He had been in pain just moments before.
"No. No pain. It is such misery (on earth)."
He was so tired. Each time he would answer a question. He would close his eyes again for a few moment before speaking out again. He had been so afraid to die. He was afraid of leaving. Now, a peace had fallen.
"I wish you all could come with me, but you will be here so soon. I keep asking God to take you all with me. I do not understand why you can not come with me."
"Do you want us to be there because it is so good?"
"No sorrow. No pain."
Nurses had heard what was going on and began coming the room to hold his hand, pray over him, or just watch. This was the end. It was so beautiful and wonderful to be a part of it. He began to sing. Now, this is a room of Southern Baptist. My mother in law was a choir director and has a leather bound hymnal that she sings from daily. However, not one person in the room could place the songs that we was singing. He would only share a bar or two. As he took longer breaks, we asked if we could sing to him. We sang hymns at the top of our lungs. Bob would join in too and he drifted back and forth. He was so filled with joy. He gathered us around and kept saying, "No more sorrow. Do not cry. You will be here so soon. God will take care of you. I understand that now." Slowly though. He began to come back. The times with his eyes closed were shorter. He asked for a preacher to come pray with him. He could not understand why he had to come back to us. And just as quickly as he went to heaven he returned to us.
We talked about the experience the next day. He remembers everything. He talked about how light it was, the steps to get to heaven, and the streets that looked like gold. He could not talk to anyone he saw. He said, "they were busy dancing and praising God." He never saw Jesus. God was in the distance. He described him as something he could see through a fog. He did not get to participate in anything. He was just watching. It made him so happy. He is grateful to see us all again, but he is ready to go back. He knows that we will be well taken care of. He sees and understands things that we can not fully perceive. He gave me a gift. As hard as it may be sometimes, I do not believe I could ever doubt the existence of God. Bob was there and then he was back. He was in pain and it was gone. He was afraid and then at peace. He went to heaven, and I caught a glimpse.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Dear Mr. Ferber,
You are my hero. My precious Caroline is such a wonderful baby. She has been the most well tempered, go with the flow baby. Always taking such good naps. Something has always got to give. No child is perfect. With Caroline, it has always been sleeping at night. To better understand, I need to rewind to Maddox.
Maddox had silent reflux that was diagnosed at 3 weeks old. It explained why he cried after eating and all night long. After we started his treatment, he wanted to be bounced in a bouncy set for eights hours a day and sleep all night. It was hard to bouncy him literally - all day, but he was happy and slept all night from about 6 weeks (in a Nap Nanny - another life saver). He took about an hour to get to sleep but would then sleep 12 hours. At 6 months we tried crying it out. Which was a fail after two nights. We tried again at 10 months. One hour of crying later he never had trouble falling asleep again. So, Caroline would be the same way, right?
Not so much. She did not sleep at night from the beginning. She slept 5 hours for the first time at 6 weeks. All along, she had reflux that we treated. Her pain made her want to be held. At night, she would not sleep longer than 15 minutes unless she was on my chest. I know, I tell parents everyday they should not put children on their chest to sleep all night (but I was a parent, not a pediatric nurse practitioner at that moment). Eventually we discovered the Fisher Price Rock n' Play Bassinet. It saved our lives! It was the first place she would sleep without me holding her. Finally, I could sleep the three hours she gave me in between feedings. All along, I kept telling myself that she would sleep through the night at 2 months. At two months and two weeks she began sleeping 6 hour stretches in her RnP in our bedroom. Sweet Glory!!!! Then, came the dreaded 3 month sleep regression that I had heard of but never experienced. She began waking 6-10 times a night. Ugh. I toughed it out until 5 months.
First, we tried a modified crying it out method. I would go give her her paci after 10 minutes of crying, without actually picking her up. She would go immediately back to sleep for four hours. So, it was not teaching her self-soothing at all. I did not want to do the real crying it out method because it had gone so poorly with Maddox at this ago. After, three weeks of the modification not working, I was broken. A chronically tired mom is not good for anyone. So, we went all in crying it out in 30 minute intervals. After two nights of thirty minute intervals, including night wakings, we have had three nights of sleeping 6p-6am!!! This may not stick, there is a 6 month sleep regression. However, I must say Mr. Ferber has given me at least short term recovery. I am grateful to God for some rest.
Our next training involves Mr. Maddox. He has been flirting with potty training for awhile now. Let me start by saying I do not believe in potty "training." I see to many children in my office with true physical and psychological harm from being forced to use the potty too early. They actually have clinic at University of Tennessee hospital devoted to helping children who have been scarred by potty training. So, I was waiting for the signs. Maddox would watch us use the potty, sit on the potty, tell us he was peeing and pooping. However, he could not figure out how to make himself actually pee while on the potty. Last week, he started asking to go and actually peeing on the potty at least once a day. So, today starts diaper free weekend (except during naps and bedtime of course). I will let you know how it goes. This morning we have used the potty three times!!!! If it works, I will share my method. If not, I will not lead anyone astray.
Maddox had silent reflux that was diagnosed at 3 weeks old. It explained why he cried after eating and all night long. After we started his treatment, he wanted to be bounced in a bouncy set for eights hours a day and sleep all night. It was hard to bouncy him literally - all day, but he was happy and slept all night from about 6 weeks (in a Nap Nanny - another life saver). He took about an hour to get to sleep but would then sleep 12 hours. At 6 months we tried crying it out. Which was a fail after two nights. We tried again at 10 months. One hour of crying later he never had trouble falling asleep again. So, Caroline would be the same way, right?
Not so much. She did not sleep at night from the beginning. She slept 5 hours for the first time at 6 weeks. All along, she had reflux that we treated. Her pain made her want to be held. At night, she would not sleep longer than 15 minutes unless she was on my chest. I know, I tell parents everyday they should not put children on their chest to sleep all night (but I was a parent, not a pediatric nurse practitioner at that moment). Eventually we discovered the Fisher Price Rock n' Play Bassinet. It saved our lives! It was the first place she would sleep without me holding her. Finally, I could sleep the three hours she gave me in between feedings. All along, I kept telling myself that she would sleep through the night at 2 months. At two months and two weeks she began sleeping 6 hour stretches in her RnP in our bedroom. Sweet Glory!!!! Then, came the dreaded 3 month sleep regression that I had heard of but never experienced. She began waking 6-10 times a night. Ugh. I toughed it out until 5 months.
First, we tried a modified crying it out method. I would go give her her paci after 10 minutes of crying, without actually picking her up. She would go immediately back to sleep for four hours. So, it was not teaching her self-soothing at all. I did not want to do the real crying it out method because it had gone so poorly with Maddox at this ago. After, three weeks of the modification not working, I was broken. A chronically tired mom is not good for anyone. So, we went all in crying it out in 30 minute intervals. After two nights of thirty minute intervals, including night wakings, we have had three nights of sleeping 6p-6am!!! This may not stick, there is a 6 month sleep regression. However, I must say Mr. Ferber has given me at least short term recovery. I am grateful to God for some rest.
Our next training involves Mr. Maddox. He has been flirting with potty training for awhile now. Let me start by saying I do not believe in potty "training." I see to many children in my office with true physical and psychological harm from being forced to use the potty too early. They actually have clinic at University of Tennessee hospital devoted to helping children who have been scarred by potty training. So, I was waiting for the signs. Maddox would watch us use the potty, sit on the potty, tell us he was peeing and pooping. However, he could not figure out how to make himself actually pee while on the potty. Last week, he started asking to go and actually peeing on the potty at least once a day. So, today starts diaper free weekend (except during naps and bedtime of course). I will let you know how it goes. This morning we have used the potty three times!!!! If it works, I will share my method. If not, I will not lead anyone astray.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Family Planning
Sorry that I have not posted in a few days. We have been dealing with some testing for health issues in the last week. All is clear now, praise God.
Over the last few days, family has really been on my heart. I had a relative announce that she was pregnant with her fourth child and received negative feedback. As well, I read a blog this morning that talked about how mom's are missing their children's lives due to being consumed by technology. We can become so interactive that we forget to interact with those who are actually in our presence.
This has all triggered my next post. I am saddened that we live in a generation that views children as an obligation instead of a blessing. Brian and I never thought we would have children this early in life. We thought we would get married, finish graduate school, buy a house, get the right car, and then feel ready to have children. We would have 2 children (one boy and one girl of course) and be finished. We would go to Disney World with their four person vacation packages and live happily ever after. Instead, after 3 months of pregnant we were pregnant with Maddox. We were scared and NOT excited. However, as this little one grew inside of me, the fear changed to love. We trusted that God had a better plan for our lives, and knew what he was doing when he gave us Maddox. So, we would take God's plan back into our own hands (go back on birth control) and decide to have another child 5 years later. Life all changed when I was sitting in my Women's Health Nurse Practitioning lecture.
A professor was explaining how typical hormonal birth control works. Suddenly, a girl sitting in front of me raised her hand and asked the following question. "If it is possible to ovulate and have the egg be fertilized but still not become pregnant, is that really contraception? It does not always prevent conception. It does, however, usually prevent pregnancy." The professor looked stunned at what she was implying and became immediately defensive. She replied, "You miss understand me. The ...." I will not bore you with the details. However, it sparked conversation that night for Brian and I. It took us about two months to come to the conclusion that if we believe life begins at conception, we could not in good conscience continue to use hormonal birth control. We could not handle knowing that a late period could actually be an unimplanted baby. So, we continued forward with joy and trepidation. What would others think? What would we do if we had a lot of children? Was this wisdom or insanity? Were we making the right choice? Three months later, the Lord confirmed our choice.
We were pregnant with our second child. We were overjoyed but nervous. We shared the news with family, they were not especially enthusiastic. I was still in school and we were living with my in-laws. By the world's standards it was not an ideal situation. We trusted that the Lord would provide a house and jobs by the time our child was born. Sadly, just a few days later, we lost our precious child. It was hard. There was, however, still good that came from such a tragedy. We realized that each of our children is precious to us. There are no guarantees that our little one's will always be ours, so we should enjoy them as long as possible. So, we began a journey of faith with our family planning. We conceived again and had our beautiful daughter, Caroline, one week after moving into our house. Brian had a job, as did I. The Lord is faithful.
We do not know anything for certain. We do not know whether the Lord will lead Brian and I to desire 15 children of three. We do not know whether we will every go on luxury vacations or have everything the world tells us we need. We DO know that the Lord's provision is perfect and he will give us the desires of our hearts (when they align with scripture). So, we will trudge forward in faith, one child at a time. At any point one or both of us feels that we should not have anymore precious children, we will stop. It is not always easy or joyful. Being a mother is hard. Children are frustrating, but so full of joy and happiness. My life would be incomplete without them. They are a blessing not to be taken for granted. When I am at my whits end with my children, it is usually because I have a heart issue that I need to deal with. Being a wife and mother has brought my selfishness and anger to the surface. It is not always fun to deal with, but we are becoming a better family as I trust God and work through my problems.
Just today, I got to experience teaching my little boy to ride a bike for the first time. I do not think there is any greater joy than that of your children. I am praising God daily for my precious children. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a mother.
Over the last few days, family has really been on my heart. I had a relative announce that she was pregnant with her fourth child and received negative feedback. As well, I read a blog this morning that talked about how mom's are missing their children's lives due to being consumed by technology. We can become so interactive that we forget to interact with those who are actually in our presence.
This has all triggered my next post. I am saddened that we live in a generation that views children as an obligation instead of a blessing. Brian and I never thought we would have children this early in life. We thought we would get married, finish graduate school, buy a house, get the right car, and then feel ready to have children. We would have 2 children (one boy and one girl of course) and be finished. We would go to Disney World with their four person vacation packages and live happily ever after. Instead, after 3 months of pregnant we were pregnant with Maddox. We were scared and NOT excited. However, as this little one grew inside of me, the fear changed to love. We trusted that God had a better plan for our lives, and knew what he was doing when he gave us Maddox. So, we would take God's plan back into our own hands (go back on birth control) and decide to have another child 5 years later. Life all changed when I was sitting in my Women's Health Nurse Practitioning lecture.
A professor was explaining how typical hormonal birth control works. Suddenly, a girl sitting in front of me raised her hand and asked the following question. "If it is possible to ovulate and have the egg be fertilized but still not become pregnant, is that really contraception? It does not always prevent conception. It does, however, usually prevent pregnancy." The professor looked stunned at what she was implying and became immediately defensive. She replied, "You miss understand me. The ...." I will not bore you with the details. However, it sparked conversation that night for Brian and I. It took us about two months to come to the conclusion that if we believe life begins at conception, we could not in good conscience continue to use hormonal birth control. We could not handle knowing that a late period could actually be an unimplanted baby. So, we continued forward with joy and trepidation. What would others think? What would we do if we had a lot of children? Was this wisdom or insanity? Were we making the right choice? Three months later, the Lord confirmed our choice.
We were pregnant with our second child. We were overjoyed but nervous. We shared the news with family, they were not especially enthusiastic. I was still in school and we were living with my in-laws. By the world's standards it was not an ideal situation. We trusted that the Lord would provide a house and jobs by the time our child was born. Sadly, just a few days later, we lost our precious child. It was hard. There was, however, still good that came from such a tragedy. We realized that each of our children is precious to us. There are no guarantees that our little one's will always be ours, so we should enjoy them as long as possible. So, we began a journey of faith with our family planning. We conceived again and had our beautiful daughter, Caroline, one week after moving into our house. Brian had a job, as did I. The Lord is faithful.
We do not know anything for certain. We do not know whether the Lord will lead Brian and I to desire 15 children of three. We do not know whether we will every go on luxury vacations or have everything the world tells us we need. We DO know that the Lord's provision is perfect and he will give us the desires of our hearts (when they align with scripture). So, we will trudge forward in faith, one child at a time. At any point one or both of us feels that we should not have anymore precious children, we will stop. It is not always easy or joyful. Being a mother is hard. Children are frustrating, but so full of joy and happiness. My life would be incomplete without them. They are a blessing not to be taken for granted. When I am at my whits end with my children, it is usually because I have a heart issue that I need to deal with. Being a wife and mother has brought my selfishness and anger to the surface. It is not always fun to deal with, but we are becoming a better family as I trust God and work through my problems.
Just today, I got to experience teaching my little boy to ride a bike for the first time. I do not think there is any greater joy than that of your children. I am praising God daily for my precious children. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a mother.
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